FOUR FINGERS OF WISDOM: ASK KIT KAT
Dear KIT KAT,
I live in Melbourne’s inner north and I like regular Cows milk.
When I order my coffee in North Fitzroy, I am met with glares from other customers and blatant disapproval from the barista. How can I continue to enjoy my neighbourhood, and go about my business drinking the creamy OG calcium rich drank? Help. - Got Milk. Got Shade.
Got Milk, Got Shade, Kit Kat hears you. North Fitzroy can be a scary place, and I can say fairly confidently you are not the first to be discriminated against there.
The first mistake you’re making here is showing weakness. Never hesitate with your coffee order, the most trendy can smell your fear. Your milk insecurities are fuel. They feed off of them. Milk has become grossly politicalised. I'm pro choice, normalise cows milk, normalise whatever the fuck you like.
If you wish to fly under the radar and continue drinking the devil's drink — cow’s milk — you may think about distracting the other patrons with an impromptu performance involving a Hula Hoop, or maybe a breakaway juggling show is more your style?
If nothing else, just put the fucking P.A.M. on, have an Eckhaus Latte and join the goddamn club.
Dear KIT KAT,
I am an artist working mainly in sculpture. More and more I am seeing work alike mine in other artist’s stuff. Should I publicly address this, call it out or leave it? - Simon Sculpts
KK: Simon Sculpts, just a thought — have you considered personifying your work? Giving them personalities, allowing you to speak your opinions freely and indirectly through fictitious characters / storytelling?
They [whoever that is] do say ‘imitation is the highest form of flattery’ but does anyone who’s being ripped off truly only feel pure flattery? Watching as their work is regurgitated, in more often than not, a shittier iteration?
Now I’m just thinking out loud here. In an instance such as this, it may be best to revert to the most actualised, The Michelle Obama — “when they go low, we go high”. Take the high road. Begin producing intentionally horrific, and I mean ghastly crap. Watch as your imitators follow your lead. If it kicks off a larger trend, (you never know) you win too and if it draws snickers from peers / viewers, insist it was a conceptual art piece, misinterpreted.
Dear KIT KAT,
I met my new partner in the pandemic, and naturally given the circumstances we have become closer, moving faster than usual.
I actually think I want to marry this woman, but there is one problem, she makes me wear a surgical mask when we're sleeping. I’ve tried to explain to her that it’s not logical given we are sharing saliva. I’m too embarrassed to ask my friends, what do I do - Mo Pandemic Mo Problems
KK: This is not an easy one Mo Pandemic Mo Problems. These are troubling times, and people respond in different ways, there's no wrong or right way.
First off, congratulations on finding love in a pandemic, it ain't easy out there. On that note Kit Kat can only advise that you suck it the fuck up. Put them PJs on, be the big spoon, snuggle in, and get your mask on. Flatten the break up curve.
Though your lady friend sounds a little dim in the intellectual department, your willingness to marry her suggests she's great in other ways! Or you're desperate and in either case, you have only one option which is to shut up, mask up and shack up.
Dear KIT KAT,
My friends baby is really rather odd (ugly?) looking. The kid is very very young and I have no doubt it will grow into its features. However, the conundrum lies in that I have a children’s clothing label. My friend has made many suggestive comments insinuating I should use the child as a model for my brand. How do I avoid hurting my friend’s feelings? - Radioface
KK: Radioface — it’s a pleasure to hear of your conflict, as it is personally familiar. I'm not saying anything new here. Motherhood is beautiful, unlike any other, a miracle. Though few scenarios so clearly paint the enchanting bond between a Mother and child than this one.
In the early years, no parents seems eager to admit that their kid is, aesthetically challenged. Acknowledgement, the casting of a spell, cursing their child to a lifetime of being abnormal looking. KIT KAT wishes to say on record, I don't believe good looking kids are in any way superior than other kids, in fact often they have much less to offer.
BUT you’re talking about running a business here! And if we’re talking about what sells, it ain’t the kids you look twice on the street. Sorry. People want those Bonds looking babies — faux grown ups, ethnically ambiguous, with flawless skin, good hair and big eyes.
So you have two options —Option 1: Shoot the kid, I mean photograph it and use these images publicly, basically nowhere. Facebook maybe.
The Mother is happy, you avoid this difficult conversation. A victory from both angles. Option 2: Consider abandoning your business, start making pet clothing. Kids are great but boy are they expensive, ‘Fur-babies’ are on the rise.
WE WANT YOU!
TO STOP WORRYING.
EMAIL YOUR TROUBLES AWAY.
EMAIL KIT KAT.
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